The Single Spark with Chantelle the Coach (previously The Single Girl's Guide to Life)
Welcome to "The Single Spark" podcast – a journey dedicated to single millennial women who want to reignite their confidence and shine brightly in their dating lives. Hosted by Chantelle Dyson, this podcast delves into empowering stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you rediscover your inner glow and build meaningful connections.
In each episode, we'll explore topics like self-love, personal growth, and navigating the dating world with confidence. It's the perfect podcast for all the single girls out there who want to know they aren't alone. "The Single Spark" is here to help you navigate the crazy world of being single alongside someone who truly gets it! Stop asking, "Will I be alone forever?" or "When will I have it all worked out?" and start having fun enjoying this messy thing called life as you embrace your singleness and celebrate with other single women ready to live and love their life, no matter their relationship status.
Whether you're overcoming heartbreak, leaving a situationship, or just seeking to find joy in your single life, "The Single Spark" offers the inspiration and tools you need to embrace your brilliance and attract genuine love.
Learn what it takes to be single and confident so you can enjoy your single life, regardless of your relationship status! Instead of wishing your life away, hoping to meet a partner before you start living fully, "The Single Spark" encourages and inspires you to embrace your single life, whatever you choose to do with it. Whether you're looking to date or choosing to stay single, this podcast is about enjoying life and all its ups and downs while being single.
Join us every Thursday as we uncover the secrets to shining brightly and connecting deeply.
The Single Spark with Chantelle the Coach (previously The Single Girl's Guide to Life)
"Treating Yourself" Won't Solve Your Loneliness This Valentine's Day | Ep 118
Have you ever felt the pressure to DO something on Valentine's Day (even as a single?)
Whether it's treating yourself to a bath, going on a solo dinner date, or writing yet another self-love list, as I make my return to The Single Spark, I promise to unpack the problem with carrying out these token gestures on what can be a really difficult day if ou're single!
Rather than doing something that might be "a bit nice", something that doesn't actually help with the fomo of not being with someone on Valentine's (and doesn't make you feel any less lonely) I'm sharing what you can do this Valentine's Day that will have an impact long-term... and it won't just be for Valentine's Day!
PREVIOUS VALENTINE'S DAY WEEK EPISODES:
Ep 31: A Single Girl's Guide to Surviving Being Single on Valentine's Day
Ep 84: Why Getting Into a Relationship Won't Make You Happier
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RESOURCES:
- Download my FREE Dating Non-Negotiables Guide
- Visit my website: www.chantellethecoach.com
- Follow me on Instagram: @ChantelleTheCoach
- Follow me on TikTok: @ChantelleTheCoach
And if you loved this episode, HIT SUBSCRIBE to stay up to date for your weekly dose of The Single Spark.
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Music from Ep 110 onwards by Kadien Music. Get your own podcast music here!
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life coaching for singles, how to be okay on you're own, overcoming loneliness, how to stop feeling lonely, single women, divorced in your 20s
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DISCLAIMER: The podcast and content posted by Chantelle The Coach is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.
Hello and welcome back to the Single Spark. I know it's been a little while. We had all those episodes back when it was the Single Girl's Guide to Life and I came back with the Single Spark the rename back in July and I believe we did about three months worth of episodes, I think it was about 12. But we're actually back again. We're back again. I've been setting up another business in podcasting and that's started to go really well. But every time I help someone with their podcast I feel this pang and I know that I'm helping other people help the world in their way, helping their business as well. But I can't help but feel like some of the things that I talk about used to talk about still talk about with people help with their podcast or it's adjacent. It gets me thinking about my own podcast, this podcast, and put a little poll out.
Speaker 1:I haven't been on social media very much because I'm focused on that other business and people wanted it to come back and my kind of question was how can I come back in a way that doesn't just talk about my relationship, because it would be very easy for me to now just jump into dating or, pardon me, not even dating relationships. Because of my situation and I'm not one to run that down people's throats I built a following of people who are predominantly single and those situations might have changed, but it doesn't feel right to come back and just talk about that, though I don't think we're going to miss any of that out. I think single life, living alone, relationships, dating needs to play a part. It's just I can't talk actively about my experience happening at that time because it's not happening, but all the kind of stuff that I still develop as a person, regardless of my relationship status, and also just even the stuff that you learn within a relationship, could be helpful to know when you're not in one as well. So we're going to have a bit of that.
Speaker 1:The Single Spark is still all about finding the single spark in a relationship with someone, but everything that the title was meant to be about wasn't just about dating or finding someone else. It was about finding the spark in you, and it got me thinking about what kind of direction I wanted this podcast to go, because my relationship does not define who I am. I've said it before. I'll say it a hundred times again If I lost the relationship, I'd be devastated, but it doesn't change me as a person, and there will be a period where I mourn the relationship, I'm sure, but that doesn't inherently change me. I am still the strong, independent woman that I was before I got it back into a relationship, the one that I nurtured, grew and developed in that single era.
Speaker 1:And so we are going to talk about finding the spark in yourself, that classic zone of life coaching, the bit of finding confidence in who you are and what you do, to go out there and find someone to be with and to set up your life in a way that works for you. And we're here for the independent, strong or would like to be strong, independent millennials, of course, because that's who I am. I don't feel like I have. I think that's why I can still connect with you guys. Also, because I don't make everything I do about my relationship and I'm not one to it is online, but it's certainly not the ins and outs of everything that's ever gone on. There'll be things that are hinted at and I'll never tell you, as I never did back when it was all single stuff. I was never telling you about who I was dating as it was happening. It was all retrospective whether I was going on dates. It was going well dates and it was going badly, finding things really difficult in the loneliness section. But we're definitely going to look at that. We're going to look at the fact that I still live in this house. It is my own, it's still mine and the financial independence is still there. Like that element hasn't changed either. No one's come in like a knight in shining armour to save me from my oh, devastating life as a single. That's not a thing. I still have that and I want to talk about how I've managed to maintain that, because we can get lost in relationships. So that's coming up soon too. But as well as that, I want to delve into another area. But as well as that, I want to delve into another area, another area that I can, interestingly so, link back to a single spark, and we are going to get a little bit topical on this podcast on a few subjects.
Speaker 1:I spend my time teaching PSHE lessons. Now I've moved out of the realm of maths. I don't do maths too much anymore, but PSHE is one of the biggest ones I do. Now. Don't don't do maths too much anymore, but PSHE is one of the biggest ones I do now, and that means that I'm dealing with life topics with teenagers and you know, sometimes we're doing topics that you wish that you had these lessons on. So teach them how government works. Bills, um, understanding the tax system, like that all feeds in, but at teenage level, not many of them care about it. So, um, there's lots of comments, especially in the entrepreneurial space, where school should be better than it is and it should provide more. But it's like you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
Speaker 1:We actually do a ton of lessons with kids money, government relationship, education, all the stuff but not every child or teen is prepared to receive it at the right time. You, you know and they hear it, but does it go in and does it make sense? We've got to get the headlines across to make sure that they are safe enough and have ways of going about it if they find themselves in certain situations or wanting to do something. Human rights we do as well, loads of things, but I also deal with a lot of topical issues as a result of that. That subject, pshe, because it's all of the, it's all of the world physical, social, health and economic education, like what doesn't fit into that? That isn't to do with you, and we do identity, we do friends and family, we do a little bit of communication within that. There's so much and we only get an hour a week and not every school even does an hour. I don't know what the statutory requirement is. Some people do it through form time. Some people have dedicated PSHE lessons. It's done very differently in every school and I'm on the front line with what is now, I believe, gen Alpha I need to check the dates.
Speaker 1:I'm pretty sure they're not Gen Z but Gen Alpha listening to what they have to say and I have to play devil's advocate all the way around and topics. Luckily with pshu you're allowed to. It's quite fun, you are, you can go off topic like you still got to deliver the content at some point. But you know, say something comes up within an element. Um, quite often, whenever we're on relationship and sex education sometime in those modules, whatever year group it is, the definitions around sex and gender come up and the element of, therefore, trans and trans rights and what that means and how to deal with that and how to not cause effect. So many elements come up within that and I'm on the front line with hearing what they have to say about the confusion around it. And then I have to debate the other side of it of understanding, um, what the trans community are kind of fighting for and what they would want, and that's confusing itself, for example.
Speaker 1:So there's loads of things topically that I mean andrew tate has come up in conversations before when he was at his peak of you know, we were seeing that perpetuating in in the children and and particularly the boys, obviously, talking about that and these concepts, which was a really interesting time, and and as a school, we had to have a structure and a methodology of how to manage that too, and and it is all about that, and I want to bring some of these conversations, ones that are relevant I well, I mean, both of those could be relevant in in various ways, but we're gonna be. We're gonna be, um following topics that the Daily Mail put out, and the reason I say that is because I, as a result of doing these lessons, I basically spend my time listening, listening to reading the Daily Mail headlines, because it keeps me up to date with what is going on in the world and how it's being perceived or portrayed to the mass, the masses, to the population. A lot of people read the Daily Mail, whether it's in print or online, and there's always, you know, a different version in the BBC, but they're generally dealing with the same headlines and so we're going to be bringing some topical stuff to this podcast in the hope that it sparks debate, that it sparks conversation. I will share some level of opinion but, just like my PSHE classroom, I'll make it really explicit when it's my opinion and my understanding of it as I understand it, and I want to encourage conversation response. So feel free to DM me when you hear these if it sparks an idea in you, it sparks a point that needs to be made that I didn't address, or something that can extend and spark it onward, because that's the single spark that could make for change, that could make people understand each other in a better way, and then we could all live a little bit more harmoniously.
Speaker 1:I do ask that, if you are going to dm me, that it's not. It's done with love and it's done in a way that wants to develop a conversation, not dominate a conversation. We are not always going to agree. Everything I say, especially if I give an opinion, may not be something that you agree with, and you've probably heard that on the podcast. Anyway, you don't agree with some of the concepts that I have or the beliefs that I put out there. That's fine. If you do, cool. If you don't cool, I'm happy to hear your perspective of it. I want to because it makes me a better communicator, better understander of other people, it allows me to be more empathetic. So that's all about sparking conversations.
Speaker 1:So I don't know what we're going to do in terms of a Facebook group. Yet we have the Single Girls Club. I don't know how to develop that so that it becomes like the single spark, without just being for singles, because it's going to apply to independent women, millennial women. They're the kind of topics we're going to be looking at. So that's a little mini intro into how we're doing this, but I will delve into what we are looking at today, which I didn't know this when I jumped into this idea of oh, should I come back?
Speaker 1:But it occurred to me that the first episode is going to go out literally next to Valentine's Day and normally, or previously, I have done episodes which are directly addressing this in terms of what to do on the day. I'm not going to do another version of that today. No, no, do on the day. I'm not going to do another version of that today, no, no, we need to mix it up. I will put the links in the bio so that you can go and listen back to those. I'm not going to repeat myself.
Speaker 1:But what I really want to address this year for Valentine's Day is is that some of the BS ideas that come up that get thrown around at this time of year do not really help. If you are single on Valentine's Day, the idea that you can just treat yourself on Valentine's Day and you are going to be okay with it doesn't sit well with me, and I see all these articles that will pop up, or I did used to at the time. I'm sure we've got a week to go. It's going to pop up now and it'll be these elements of make sure that you book an evening out with your friends to have a meal, or it'll be go and get a little lush, lush bomb. Go and get a little lush bath bomb. Treat yourself to a really nice evening pampering yourself and in some respects they're nice to do like something celebratory. I don't think there's. Go and get a little lush bath bomb. Treat yourself to a really nice evening pampering yourself and in some respects they're nice to do like something celebratory.
Speaker 1:I don't think there's anything wrong with doing something on Valentine's Day of that nature. But treating yourself on Valentine's Day with these one-off little things is not going to stop you feeling any lonelier on Valentine's Day. It's not going to stop you from feeling like you can't connect to the people around you. It's not going to stop all those feelings that you have around. If it's something you want being in a relationship and being surrounded by everybody, being all loved up the bath is not going to do it, especially if you're in the bath scrolling on social media. If you're anything like me, yes, I will have a lush bath on. Yes, I will have a nice little chilled pepsi max in a wine glass, because I'm that classy. Um, but it's a nice thing to do. But it doesn't solve the issue that really sits underneath it. If you can't detach from valentine's day and enjoy celebrating yourself and it's these kind of things I don't like seeing on, whatever time of year it is if you can't detach from Valentine's Day and enjoy celebrating yourself and it's these kind of things I don't like seeing on, whatever time of year it is because doing something like that is nice, but it doesn't get to the core issue. It's putting plasters on wounds that are there and exist.
Speaker 1:And Valentine's Day is one of the most difficult bits, right, because it is just all around you and if people are displaying their love which they have every right to do but they're doing it all online, you're seeing post after post of couples sharing their love for one another Like it's hard work, and I wanted to bring it back to what really needs to be happening, not just on Valentine's Day, but everything that you can be doing to start really loving yourself. Not just treating yourself to a new outfit that's going to pick you up for a very short period of time, or having a little bath. It's about changing the way that you do it, so you don't need those things. I do all of those things. I'll treat myself, I'll buy something, I'll fint it, I will go out, but they're temporary fixes or they're mood boosters as opposed to understanding what is really going on for you when it comes to Valentine's Day. Now, in or out of relationship, I'm not really Valentine's Day fussed, but it is obviously a key date in the single sphere.
Speaker 1:Now, jason and I don't we actually have plans, because it's somebody's wedding on Valentine's Day, so we are busy, but the other element is that we have a date night the day before. It just so happened to be we have one date night a month, so therefore we put it on that day because we were already at the wedding. It happened to be we have one date night a month, so therefore we put it on that day because we're already at the wedding. It happened to be the day that something's happening that I booked. It's not on any other day, not in chelmsford anyway so circumstances has basically made that we have something that day. We will send each other a card, but it's not. It's not going to be lovely, dovey, good or mushy, gushy. It's another day, and I think getting through it in that sense, getting through it in another day it is great.
Speaker 1:What it comes down to otherwise, though, is the reminder and I think this is a good reminder to do, because I don't know how explicit I have been in the past with this, but everything that I've ever done in terms of building confidence in single life, getting over the rollercoaster of dating and dealing with difficult days like the day that you previously broke up with your ex or your old anniversary date or Valentine's Day is connecting to yourself and yourself in the deepest kind of ways and then connecting with other people too. And we hear this phrase you've got to love yourself first before you can love anyone else. And I know I've spoken about this element before, but I can't help but tell and say that that's not true. I don't think that's true. I don't think it's possible fully to love yourself and then love somebody else whilst you're all alone. And that's going to unsettle some people, because then you're thinking wait, do you mean that I've got to be into a relationship to be loved? So like I have to find that person first and then I'll love myself. Because everyone's been telling me that I've got to love myself to attract the right person who's going to love that version of me back. And no, I don't think that you should rush to get yourself into a relationship and find someone that's just going to love you in the version that you are. But what I mean by that is is that you have to have a level of acceptance of yourself maybe not love, but acceptance of yourself. Maybe not love, but acceptance of yourself, of who you are, at the point that you have this penny drop moment and that means coming to terms with everything that has happened the circumstances that you live in, the parents that you were born to, the place that you were born in, the schools that you were sent to.
Speaker 1:Now I did all of this work, I mapped it. No one made me do it it. I did it on my own accord. I was working with a therapist at the time, but I it wasn't directed by her but I created whilst my mum was away. Actually I created these big posters. I mean they were just a four pieces of paper, but in my head it's one big poster and it's a timeline of my entire life and the key events that happen. So I might have done something like zero to three, which is obviously a very small period of time, and what do I remember of that? But the reason I chose I almost chose it by the houses we lived in, because I lived in a flat when I was first born. We moved to one house a little bit around the corner but bigger, and then we moved to Basildon Way, then we moved to Chelmsford, then I moved to uni, etc.
Speaker 1:It gave some quite key bits. It kind of tied in with school and things like that, and under each age or each place, I put down these key things that happened. You know me being born, ben, being born my brother, it might have been getting into a relationship with a certain person, joining secondary school, etc. So you put in all the clear, basic stuff and then I would go back in and I put down core memories, positive and negative. You know things that really stuck out from those times, the great things that happened, the terrible things that happened. You know, putting my parents divorce down was obviously one having moments.
Speaker 1:I think more a lot came up during the teen years of some of the interactions I had with other teens and you can't judge, you can't blame a teenager, because they too are just in the same scenario of not really understanding the world, not navigating in the best ways, and we're all just at the points that we're at. But I look back and I go like I can see there were things missing here and I didn't get this from these people and I didn't feel safe or like I belonged here and here. And it's identifying these bits and making sense of them that allows you to come to the eventual acceptance of, and all of this has made me the way that I am now and whether that means all of those things made me actually attached in terms of dating, whether it means that I'm close to certain people in my life or not as close. Look at all these things, the experiences I had or didn't have, and you get to a point where you understand why they happened the way that they did, hopefully, or you have at least some reason that you've decided, a narrative, that you've given it. But you don't feel like you need to go back and hold the people accountable, because you realise that everyone was just doing the best that they could at the time too, just like I said about the teens there. But it can be anyone friends, family, whatever and at that point you accept yourself and everything for who you are and only then can you start to dig a little deeper.
Speaker 1:But I think there's a bridge in the between, because I don't think the first bit is loving yourself and I think the second bit takes a significant amount of work. But as part of that secondary work you have to address the need for belonging, the need for social interaction and the need for being able to share your life with somebody else, and not just in the romantic way. You have to be able to develop who you are and who you truly are and love that version of yourself. But you can only do that if you have a sense of belonging to go with it. And so you could do all of that exploratory work and you could try and think that you're working things out and you know what you want. But until the I don't think you're fully accepted and you belong just to a few people in this world, can you then truly love yourself? Because the version that you're building is not otherwise quite correct. Necessarily it's missing something and it will feel that disconnection to other people, to the world, and that's when loneliness creeps in. I think and if you go back to maslov, you've got to have that sense of love and belonging in that middle bit before you can go into self-actualization, which I think is where you end up loving yourself. I think we have to have family or work community or chosen family, whatever it might be. That then helps us to accept ourselves further and push into the realm of testing if we love ourselves further or not.
Speaker 1:Pardon me for pausing there. My laptop timed out as I was recording. I feel like that did happen to me before, so hoping it doesn't happen again. Clearly, 20 minutes or so it takes to do that, but it interrupted my flow. I might do a little clap here just to say I might want to edit that bit. And so this Valentine's Day, all I can say is you've just got to get through it. This is not a time to think that the bath is going to fix the way that you feel about yourself, the way that you view other people and other couples and all the things that you feel that you might be missing out on, or any loneliness that comes up. But what this should be is that this is a reminder that we're not quite there yet, and that's okay. It took me ages to be there with some elements. Other elements probably still need addressing.
Speaker 1:I don't think I'm done inverted commas. If I had to go back and date again, things would still be coming up. But I have a very secure sense of my relationship with Jason, which I'm thankful for, and we worked on. We got through the really anxious, stressy period and I have. He'd go and do what he wanted. Do you know what I mean? Like if he says to me I don't want to do Friday night, I'm going to go and do what he wanted in. Do you know what I mean? Like if he says to me I don't want to do friday night, I'm going to go and do xyz, I'm not going to freak out about it. That level of trust is high.
Speaker 1:And there, do we still have arguments? I mean, we don't have particularly lots, and I'm always wary of saying things like that, because then it makes it sound like you never have arguments at all. Of course we have these disagreements or we've got the balance of the weeks wrong, but we communicate and so it doesn't become an argument, it's, it's a discussion. Um, if anything, it's the stupidest things that do cause more of a heated tone as opposed to actually the serious thing. If something is seriously bothering us, we are able to talk.
Speaker 1:But if I wasn't in this scenario I was dating there would always be things that come up, because dating triggers all of those things, all these romantic ideas trigger elements in ourselves that stress us out or that make us question elements. It's a great level to get to if you feel confident enough to date and just be prepared that when you're dating, it will bring up everything that you haven't yet addressed the worry about someone leaving um actually questioning whether you really want this. What do you really want in this life? All of that kind of stuff comes up when you start dating because it it puts it on the line and it decides, or it forces you to decide, if you're serious about this or not. So, in in terms of Valentine's Day, this is just a reminder to start exploring yourself. You can do that by going back to any of the podcast episodes that there are.
Speaker 1:I also have a bunch of other resources. I don't know what's going to be available at the time that I release this, but there are many courses, courses and workbooks to go through, to help you get through, to help you start looking at yourself, looking at your history, because we can't all afford therapists. I couldn't afford a therapist the whole time. I had it for a series of time and I don't even know what I'd say the effectiveness was. I did the majority of my work through personal development, through self-help, through audiobooks, through books, through podcasts, which is why I'm here doing what I'm doing here today. Use everything that there is, that I've got, and all the others out there.
Speaker 1:I don't think there's one single book that changed my life. I think a combination of them really helped. There were books that I would reread again now and still wouldn't have grasped all the concepts of, and I would read again and take something new from it. So you can never read enough books. I disagree with Mark Manson that once you've read one personal development book, you've read all of them. I think there's lots of overlap with many of them, but when you get someone really understanding you and your scenario and how it works for you, that's magical. I feel like that's what we can do with this podcast, because the episodes that exist from pre-117 are all single focused I don't think there's one that's not and so you can be validated in your experience. Hopefully you've got similar experiences to me, or I've described it in a way that makes it feel like it's similar and that you're seen and understood in the scenario you're in.
Speaker 1:How frustrating it is when people make those cliche comments but start the work now. The bath ain't going to make no difference. If you go in the bath, take the podcast episode with you, whatever one it might be. Or if you are going to, oh, go on, do the old face mask, put some candles on. Oh, have you ever done those foot? Have you ever done the foot thing? I've got these things that you put your feet in it like it doesn't instantly peel a layer off, but three days later you are basically a snake. It's wild like put those on, get something all the moisturizers, body lotions, creams, etc. Get into your cozies, pajamas. Dim the lights, get the candles on or incense if you prefer that kind of thing and listen to the podcast. Start the journey of actually finding out who you are. Going through all the rubbish that's ever happened, because it probably there's been stuff. There's been stuff if you're here. There's been stuff it needs to be dealt with.
Speaker 1:I never dealt with my parents' divorce until I got divorced. I never dealt with, not really feeling like I fitted in until my own divorce. It was crunch time. It was done. This was the time that I had to sort everything out because I could not go back and do this again.
Speaker 1:I was not let in getting into a relationship that was okay but just wasn't like it. I would make all of these decisions. I felt quite uninformed Not uninformed, but you know, with the normal script that everyone follows and I could not. I could not let it happen again. I could not be prepared to go back into dating and repeat the cycle of getting myself into a situation that really I didn't really want, which is why I sit so confidently now with I know this is what I want, not because I sit there and ask myself that question every day, but I mean it's in the back of my mind and I do question it.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you go, oh, like, does this push into a realm? You know, as things change, as things develop, is this something I really want? And I can confidently come back and say, yes, yeah, it's fine, there's this. You. You find your level of compromise should be compromised and everything, but this is the time to start your self-development journey, to being okay with the situation you're in, for being okay with the journey that you've been on so far and for making the next chapter something that you make conscious, aware decisions about that are right for you. That's how you're going to mark valentine's day this year. I don't mind whether you're in the bath, on the bed, on the sofa, whatever out at a restaurant, and you take it and put me, the weird buddy to listen. Start that journey today and, until next time, keep sparkling.
