Navigating the Emotional Rollercoaster of a Breakup | Ep 101

Breakups can be incredibly challenging, leaving us feeling lost, hurt, and overwhelmed. In this episode, I want to assure you that you're not alone. Join me as I recount my personal journey, exploring the twists and turns that come with post-breakup life.

Together, we'll unpack the heartbreak, confusion, and anger that often accompany a breakup. I'll share practical strategies and insights that helped me process my emotions and begin the healing process.

Throughout this episode, we'll delve into the stages of grief and the importance of self-compassion during this vulnerable time. This episode is your safe space to understand the rollercoaster of emotions you're experiencing and find hope in the midst of it all. Remember, healing takes time, but I'm here to remind you that brighter days are ahead.

So, grab a cup of tea (or your preferred beverage), find a comfortable spot, and join me as we embark on this transformative journey of healing and finding strength after a breakup. Let's navigate this emotional rollercoaster together and reclaim our power to create a brighter future.

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Music from Ep 110 onwards by Kadien Music. Get your own podcast music here!
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life coaching for singles, how to be okay on you're own, overcoming loneliness, how to stop feeling lonely, single women, divorced in your 20s

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00
That's why it's a roller coaster, because it goes up and down, twists around a bit, goes down a bit more. You're up, bit and down Until at some point you come back in to the end of the ride, where it's a bit more stable. 

On today's episode, we are going to be talking about navigating the emotional roller coaster of a breakup. 

Going through a breakup is one of the most unsettling kind of times and it feels like up and down, because one day you feel like this was the best decision, it's the best thing that could have happened to you, and then the next you're feeling down and low about what's gone on and like you're never gonna recover from something like this. 

And that is a very, very normal experience of going through a breakup. It's normal to have good days and to have bad days. To go through that and it's not linear in fashion. 

It's not like you feel the worst, right as it happens, and then it just gets better and better from each day. It's not like a set of stairs. That's why it's a roller coaster, because it goes up and down, twists around a bit, goes down a bit more. You're up, bit and down, until at some point you come back in to the end of the ride, where it's a bit more stable again, and this is typical of any grief, of any experience of loss. 

The feelings that you experience in that time first are denial, denial that you don't believe that it's happening. Then you've got anger, being annoyed that this is happening to you, especially if you're being broken up with like the anger goes towards that other person how dare they? Then we get to bargaining. Bargaining's where you wonder what you could have done differently, and sometimes you end up trying to ask that other person if you could do something different. And then depression, depression, the low feelings, the crying and the upset, until the final stage, which is pretty certain, which is acceptance. 

Now, sometimes that is presented linearly. It is always in that order of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. However, we move between those feelings all the time. We're not robots. We don't all just naturally do this thing. It's gonna be five days of denial and two days of anger. No, it's much more fluid. 

You can feel angry in the morning when you wake up because of the way that your life has changed, and then during the day you start to wonder if there was something different that you could do, and then you have that thought of, "I just can't even believe this is happening to me. In fact, surely this isn't really like we've not even moved out. This doesn't have to be a thing, right?" 

And then you feel sad, then you get angry again. It's all over the place when we're going through a breakup and part of being able to navigate that emotional rollercoaster is to feel all of those feelings, to not deny yourself the experience that you're having, which is a completely normal human experience that nearly all of us will go through. Any of us that are interested in having a romantic relationship with someone will experience this, because it comes with the territory.

And even if you never date anybody in your life or have a breakup, you're with the first person that you're with. We experience loss. And these feelings come up with any experience of loss through the grieving process. 

But anyone that's doing that shouldn't be stopping themselves from feeling it. You should be acknowledging what's going on and saying yourself as a human being having a human experience. It's finding healthy ways to process that emotion. 

So, in my instance, journaling. Journaling is one of the things I still turn to when I'm emotionally distressed, but the journals I have from when I'm going through breakups and really testing times, hundreds of them, pages and pages of feelings and thoughts and expressions and wonders. And I know I have the book of the few initial days when I was leaving my ex and there was a sadness, despite knowing how difficult it was, still knowing it was the right thing to do. 

But then on other days, there's more anger and frustration at the situation and the why does it have to be like this? Why couldn't I have made it work when I was the one that chose to leave and still, to this day, stand by it being the right thing.

You go through all of those feelings and in this time it's about giving yourself that self-compassion that this isn't easy, that just waking up each day and getting through each day can be just enough when you're going through a breakup and having to re-identify yourself, learn who you really are on your own and start again. 

For some people start over in a particular fashion, and some of those feelings can get intense. You know journaling isn't going to be the only way to cope with it. 

Another way is definitely through physicality in some way, physical exercise, whether that is in aggression and go boxing, where you are able to move with power and aggression. Maybe it is channeling it into weights and sensibly and carefully up in the weights over time. But putting that energy and that determination and that anger into something that you can express it out of running, though, looking at yourself, pushing yourself and using some of that energy still allows you to release all the adrenaline that's going around in your body. And as well as physical exercise, there's also remembering that you don't have to process this on your own. 

You can turn to friends, and you should turn to friends and family members that you feel closest to. It is in these times that we see who our true friends are. You think you've got 500 friends on Facebook.

Think again when it comes to a breakup, who are you picking the phone up to and who is answering the phone consistently? Who is sending you a message, even when you haven't outreached them for a few days to ask you how you are? because they want to check on you and know how you're doing during this breakup. It's through these times that we learn who our friends are, who is really there for us and who's paying attention. And, of course, everybody's got their own thing going on, but you're in a state that needs support. You need other people right now and know you're not being a burden. You aren't a burden. If you are having a challenging time in life, even if you're crying every day, you don't have to cry to them every day and you shouldn't be using the same person every day. Try to spread it out. You can be considerate of needing people in your life, but you aren't a burden. If someone is upset, someone that I care about is upset, someone that I care about is going through a breakup, i want to be there for them, and if I don't want to be there for them, i'm not as close to them as I thought. They aren't the good friend. Oh, i'm not the good friend. We don't have the good connection that I thought we had. If I'm avoiding that And this is triggering something in myself, of course 

And if someone's a bad time and you know just had a baby and you're going through a breakup, they're not going to be in any state to help you right now because they've got their own stuff going on And that's a big change for them too. So it's being clever and sensible, but expressing it to people. If you don't have someone, then it's finding people that you can do that to professionals, therapists, that help you go through a breakup. Just because you need a therapist doesn't mean you need a therapist forever. 

You might experience situational depression because you're experiencing a life change. So it doesn't mean you need medication, but you just might need some support, cbt, things to help you get through. And in any of those instances, make sure you go to your GP first and they can assist you with what it might be that will help you in that instance. 

But if you're into self-help and want to go down that route, then you're going to turn to other people, have conversations and actually talk about how you are feeling, because talking out loud to someone or on paper and journaling is what allows you to start moving towards acceptance. It allows you to see the lost for what it really is and to embrace the now opportunity that you have, one that you probably didn't think you were going to have and not you might have chosen it. 

But this is happening to you, this is occurring and there's little you can do to stop it. You can sit and be hopeful that it might not be true and they might change their mind, but for now, the decision is made that things aren't going to change and that's where you're at and talking out loud allows you to do that, to make sense of it and to realise that what is happening is real, it's happening to you. 

It's not fun, it's not nice, but you've got all these people around you that are there to help you and they're to support you through this difficult time, which you might not have realised you even had around you. 

It goes without saying that this time is good for reflection, for taking stock of where you're at, who you are and actually who you would like to be. With this opportunity that's come your way, this is a chance for you to redefine yourself and to start thinking towards the future. 

On the days where you are experiencing positive feelings towards this, that's when you start getting those glimmers of "you know what, Actually, i really did want to live somewhere else, or actually I did kind of want a relationship that had more physical intimacy, or I did want someone that paid a bit more attention and that we could do stuff together, or the opposite. I did want someone that I didn't have to do everything with, didn't think they were the default person all the time. 

I wanted to be able to have a better balance of me and the relationship and them, and it's in these moments that that's where you gain the clarity of what this opportunity is, of why this loss is not the end of the world, and that's how you start getting stable. It's coming towards the acceptance, appreciating that this isn't fun and it isn't nice, and maybe you wouldn't have chosen it, but it is happening to you and you're going to take it as it is and use it for all that it's worth in terms of growth, of progress in your life, of doing a check in and not just going with the flow but starting to question what everything means to you.

All in all, being able to navigate this emotional roller coaster is about giving it time. You have to wait until the roller coaster gets to the end of its journey and comes back into the dock. You can't just say I don't want to do this anymore because it's going to happen to you, and so you have to give it time. You are going to have to ride the highs and the lows, especially so if you aren't putting in place some of the things that you can be doing, like journaling, physical exercise and talking to others. Your emotional roller coaster will be wild without some of those things there. It's making sure that you put the time and that you're gentle with yourself as you navigate the difficulty and the challenge of a breakup, of the twists and turns of a roller coaster, of what you didn't realise was going to happen, of the new scenarios you're going to be putting yourself in as a result of having to end one chapter of your life and start another.

As with any healing process, you will come out better on the other side of it. It's just very hard to see when you're in the middle of it, but there is that light at the end of the tunnel and you have to keep focusing on that light. Let me know how you're getting on with navigating your breakup. Drop me a message on Instagram and I do read every single message, so I will have a little look and get back to as many of you as I can. I will see you next time.