Unlocking Self-Confidence and Challenging Limiting Beliefs in Love and Single Life | Ep 100

Feeling stuck in your love life, or struggling to find the confidence to believe in yourself and your relationships? Join us for our special 100th episode, where I tackle the complex world of self-confidence, trust, and beliefs. I'll debunk the myth that you're "too old" to find love, and help you question and challenge limiting beliefs that have been holding you back.

Together, I'll examine how fear and lack of bravery can often be mistaken for a lack of confidence, and explore the role our beliefs play in our single lives. I'll also provide you with valuable tips on how to stay confident and positive in tough times, including the use of positive mantras and the power of connecting with others. Discover the potential of polyamory and how marriage is more than just a piece of paper and a ring.

By the end of this episode, you'll have a fresh perspective on worthiness, relationships, and success, as well as the tools to help you challenge and undo limiting beliefs around being single. Don't miss out on this empowering celebration of single life, and the chance to build the confidence you need to flourish in love and all aspects of your life. Cheers to our 100th episode and to a future filled with self-assurance and stronger connections!

Take the Single Life Confidence quiz now to find out what you can do to improve your self-confidence as a single. Click here to take the quiz.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Single Girls Guide to Life, your weekly guide to single life living in your 20s, 30s and 40s. I'm Shontelle Dyson, a love and life coach, helping single women to love themselves first before they try and get back to dating, and this week we have a very different type of episode. This won't sound different if you're listening to it on Thursday morning, when it comes out every single week. You'll just be like what's different about it. But currently there are some people watching on TikTok Live watching this recording because, if you didn't know, this is the 100th episode of the Single Girls Guide to Life. This is the 100th episode I have sat down to record and to bring to you. When I first started out with this back in July what will be 2021? And we are now 100 episodes in.

Speaker 1: 0:49

People on Instagram have voted for what this topic is going to be on and there was rounds. We had four rounds initially at the start, where people chose what they wanted it to be on, and then we had a head to head of the ones that got chosen from that four. So there are people there tuning in. They might know that this is a podcast recording and what's really going on. They might just be flicking in briefly, but it's something that people have been able to contribute to to celebrate that 100th episode, and you guys decided that you wanted it on.

Speaker 1: 1:13

From all the different topics I put to you, you decided you wanted it on self-confidence, and self-confidence was where I started. I mean confidence in general. My first time when I was pitching myself out there was as a confidence coach, and the reason I changed from that is because confidence is actually very, very broad. The idea of confident at what? Because being confident on your own can mean lots of different things to lots of different people. Does it mean spending time on your own Or does it mean doing things on your own and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone? And so it's important for us to understand what the definition of confidence is, and confidence is literally just the belief.

Speaker 1: 1:50

The belief is that you have confidence in someone, you believe that someone can do it. You trust them to do that, and in this case, when we talk about self-confidence, it's the belief in yourself. And this is something that I bring up in my coaching programs with people, because it is called single life confidence. So I get specific about what I help you with and we go into the different areas, and one of the questions I recently asked at one of the single life confidence workshops the sort of taster days of the program was addressing this and asking people that had attended who came along to go.

Speaker 1: 2:21

I want to get a bit more confident in my single life and meet other single people as well, but I asked them to think if confidence is about belief and self-confidence is about belief in yourself, then what is it that you don't believe about in yourself? What is it that you don't believe that you can do? And it suddenly shifted for some people not all, but for some people that actually it wasn't really confidence, and I think sometimes we can get wrapped up in that. It's very important to understand that confidence is the belief system behind it, whereas actually some people were really talking about courage and bravery because they were saying, well, i believe I can do it, but I just can't. I'm worried about safety, i'm worried about doing stuff on my own. I don't have the confidence to do it. What you really mean is I don't have the courage because you don't have that bravery to go forward and take that risk, which instead is less about belief. It's about the practicality of doing it, so I'm not going to talk too much about that element, because you asked about self-confidence, and this is when we're in our minds over things.

Speaker 1: 3:33

So when we then look at having a lack of belief in yourself in single life, there's like hundreds of different things in single life that are challenging, and the things that I work with clients on the most come down to holding some sort of value in your relationship status or lack of, and thinking that that means something about you, and most of them come down to things like not being complete without a partner, the fact that if you're not in a relationship, then you're not worthy, and these are the beliefs that we have to start to challenge. These are the beliefs that need a little bit more interrogation, and it goes further than that. I've got a few listed down here to make sure I've got them all covered. So some of you one of this came up in one of the workshops as well is believing that you're a failure because your relationship failed And I put that in inverted commas because relationships may fail at the end or they may end, but that doesn't mean they were failures. It means that they've run their course. It might mean that two people have changed in a way that no longer work together. That is an ending, but it's not a failure And it's looking at the language that we use and the terminology to go. Oh wait, hang on. It's the way that I'm looking at this and the beliefs that I have, and it's about questioning and challenging those beliefs so that you can then start to undo it.

Speaker 1: 5:01

When it comes to some other beliefs that there are, being single means, i'm unlovable, like there's no one out there that wants to be with me, so there must be something wrong with me And I'm the problem. I'm the unlovable one and I'm not good enough. Like that's gonna go deep And it's your job. I can't do it for you And this is where a therapist would be better than me for the job I do. I'm the coach. I deal with the bit where you can identify what and why and we push forward.

Speaker 1: 5:28

But if you don't know where some of those beliefs come from because you know they come from a really deep seated place, a place where you don't really want to go quite a lot of the time, and maybe you've got some defense mechanisms up that are stopping you accessing that That's when a therapist is much more useful because they'll help you look through your childhood, they'll help you explore where those feelings come from And they'll use modalities and techniques to be able to do that. So, in that sense, we've got this element of deep seated unlovability, and that is separate to what I do. However, self-help has its place And you don't need a therapist to do those things. There are hundreds of self-help books. I have a shelf full of them on different topics and the way that you can start to look at it yourself, understanding where those beliefs come from. The sort of thing I would do is go back to childhood and start creating what I call the complete history of you, of making sure you understand all the different things that have happened in your life and look at what it means and where you've formed these beliefs, because the way to overcome some of those beliefs, as I said earlier, is to challenge them, is to find a way around them and remove them.

Speaker 1: 6:39

Let's have a look at this comment. Sometimes people feel unlovable and that they're the problem because they are agreed. We should always be aware that sometimes our behavior can be as responsible as the reason that we don't feel good about ourselves. I had this in my back to dating program last night actually, when it was shared that the person had realized that they had presented some problems. Initially they felt they had a poor relationship with potential partners and they felt like it was let's go for a very general comment all men or it was just the men they were coming across were difficult and challenging, but they were ultimately able to turn it around and say, well, hang on a second, i'm the one letting these people do this. I'm not setting the boundaries and I've got some stuff to sort out. And now in the dating process she is able to deal with that much better because she's taken a bit of responsibility and, rather than pushing it out to somebody else, she's taken that on and gone. Well, hang on, i can't control what they're gonna do, but I can say what I allow in my life. I can set those boundaries. I can be a bit firm and say, if you're not gonna firm up a date with me, if you're gonna just go smear all of a sudden, i'm not gonna chase you. I'm gonna be polite and kind of say, okay, what's happened here And offer an opportunity, but I'm not gonna chase you.

Speaker 1: 7:55

And it's having that set of standards. It's having that awareness that you can change your beliefs and you can get rid of some of them, whether it's one that is unhelpful to you or just one that you've been interpreting wrong, like in that case. Another couple of beliefs there are around particularly dating when you're single, is the idea of, like I'm too old today or I've got kids and that makes dating either harder, or the fact that you might believe that that makes people not want to be with you because you've got kids, you've got baggage, you've got extra things. Consider there. As well as that, it's not always about the belief we have ourself initially, and sometimes we can be dealing with that judgment from others, and it's not always explicit.

Speaker 1: 8:39

It can be in the way that they have conversations with you as a single. You get the classic experience of always being asked what you're doing in terms of dating. So that's an implicit suggestion that the most interesting thing about you as a single is your dating life, and by them not asking you other questions and they're doing it with good intent They're not trying to make you feel like you should be in a relationship. It's kind of all that people know to ask sometimes. We don't necessarily all have the skills of great conversation, and it can be challenging when you're on the receiving end of that, because when it happens to you, all you get is the questions about why are you single? or what's your dating life like? or are there's plenty of people out there if you just tried that data And people don't get it.

Speaker 1: 9:25

But through all those kind of questions and suggestions and there's this encouragement to be dating and ultimately that then can form some of your opinions and beliefs. Some of it comes through to the environment you have around you. A lot of people always talk about feeling like they're the only single one and that they're no longer on track anymore compared to their friends, and so it's this comparison culture. We see it on social media a lot more, but that's unrealistic beauty standards and having these wonderful lives that are just filtered and edited.

Speaker 1: 10:01

But when it comes to your friends your friends that you grew up in school with, your friends that you thought you were tracking through life with because you were tracking through school with you suddenly feel like you're not good enough because you weren't keeping up with them too, and that can then fuel some of the beliefs there. So it's understandable where some of these beliefs all come from and it's understanding. It might come from other people, it might come from upbringing, it might come from the people around you in terms of environment and your comparison, but ultimately, you still have to challenge those beliefs. We have to try and find a way to change those beliefs, because confidence is all about beliefs and self-confidence is the belief you have in yourself. So the main points of those is, then, that you have to demyth those beliefs, and you just need one way to demyth that belief, and that is to just have one example of someone that did it in a different way or overcame that. that disproves that belief. So, for example, we'll take the friends.

Speaker 1: 11:10

You're saying that all of your friends, all the people you know, are coupled up and therefore, because they're coupled up, they are better, they're further along in the life markers, in all of those achievements. But actually, i want you to try and think of, if you can, one person that you know is single and is that having an absolutely great time, absolutely great time, would not be great in a relationship, or just doesn't want it, literally goes out there and embraces it and they're just enjoying life. And I know there's some people on the TikTok. Now I can see it at the corner of my eye saying that they prefer to be single Absolutely. It's what my page is all about preferring to be single.

Speaker 1: 11:50

I also want you to think about somebody that is in a relationship that, as an observer, you know shouldn't be in a relationship That you can see. Maybe they've even told you that they should leave. They want to leave, but they won't because they're worried about being alone. They're worried about starting over again, but they're gonna stay in this sub par situation because they're worried about what is on the other side. And ultimately, you're looking at that going. Well, being in a relationship or that kind of relationship is definitely not any better. It doesn't make you better. If anything, it makes you potentially even more cowardly because you're worried about that. And whichever example you go down, you've got something that can start to disprove and break down the belief that being in a relationship makes you more worthy or being single makes you unworthy. You can start to break that down. I want you to also think about people who have got kids, that had them late, because sometimes one of the beliefs in single life can be all about feeling like your time is running out and actually just knowing that there are people that have had children in their late 30s and even early 40s and have done that.

Speaker 1: 12:54

Another one that I came across as a great creator, i think off the top of my head. Her name is Ebony Hibbert and she is a solo mom. I believe she's in Australia, that zone of the world, and she had a child on her own. So often I get people tell me that they're worried about their time running out and my question to them would always be Is it really like having the children that you want, or are you tying this whole idea into family life? And does family life have to look like two parents and a child or children? Is it feasible, is it possible for you to fulfill the want, the desire, the need to have children, but doing it in a different way? We've got modern technology And I believe it's Ebony Hibbert that has a whole page on being a solo parent and going through the IVF process to do that. And I know I've spoken with clients about pursuing that idea and sorting their lives out first so that they can achieve that. And it's this idea that your beliefs can change if you can just open up your perspective a little bit and think how could I do this, instead of thinking this is happening to me, i'm suffering and it's no good.

Speaker 1: 13:59

Another one that I always like to bring up the idea around being too old or that you've got kids and it makes you undatable or unlovable. My mum is a great example of why that's not true, because I had a stepdad. I have a stepmom, but I had a stepdad who came into our lives And I believe maybe I was around 11 or 12 and my brother would have been there for eight or nine when we first met my stepdad And he was in my life until a couple of years ago when he passed away. But that was following my mum's marriage to my dad initially. So she found someone to be with, someone to live some of her life with again, even though she had kids And despite him passing away a few years ago and having to mourn that and that is difficult and to lose a partner. But she is now back in a new relationship and that's in her mid fifties. So you're not too old to find these experiences if you want them, and there are opportunities out there Now. That doesn't mean that all of these things lead to the idea that you have to get into a relationship one day. But you know, i'm too old or I'm gonna be too old to be datable. I was talking to someone today about that idea Like if you're in your fifties you feel like you have to shut it down and just accept you're gonna be single from it. You don't, because so many people want love and they want relationships, and my mom's one of those examples of that. Now, when it comes to worthiness, it can go a little bit deeper And, as mentioned, it might be that you want to work with someone a little bit more intensely in that, in terms of therapy. But if you can't afford that, if that's not accessible to you, then I would just want you to prompt yourself with why. Why do I believe that? Where does it come from, and start tracking it yourself.

Speaker 1: 15:32

I did have therapy in my transition through divorce And that was just cause I needed someone to talk to. In general, i didn't find it that effective. I still feel like I really wanted to find the right therapist for me And whilst they were helpful, there wasn't anyone I knew. I could bluff my way through some of the sessions. I said that when I sought some therapy a year or two ago and I said, like I've had it before, it's nice, but I really need someone to push me, because I'm quite good at giving the right answer or a good answer, not the truth And be having that awareness is good, but it's about finding the right therapist to do that, and so in the moments I didn't have those people cause I hadn't found the right person, i've had to do that to myself through the self-help books and through working through that. Either way, all of these beliefs need a little bit of breaking down. They need challenging, you need to question them.

Speaker 1: 16:24

You were brought up to believe in a set of beliefs, not just about single life, not just about the way your life is now, but to believe in particular things about the way life is or should be. What makes you successful, makes you happy. And in your twenties in particular, hopefully, you have this moment where you realize those beliefs were just one set of beliefs you were given And actually there were a ton of beliefs that you had the option of buying into. It just so happened that you fell into that family, in that environment, and that was the belief set, the values, the ideas that you were presented with through parenting, family, schooling, whatever else you were exposed to. That's where your beliefs were formed And at this stage, when we're starting to struggle with those beliefs, it's worth checking them out, because you don't have to believe everything you were told And you can settle on the same thing. You are allowed to stick with that, but you're also allowed to question them as well and form your own set of beliefs, and sometimes it can be really helpful to almost wipe the slate clean and question everything.

Speaker 1: 17:26

So when it comes to the question that's just come in on TikTok, which is what do you think about people rejecting relationships entirely, now I need a bit more detail to make sure that I've understand what Daniel's asking there, but, for example, i'm thinking along the lines of In my interpretation, or what I link that to, is my ideas around marriage right? So when you're brought up, we're kind of it's implied that marriage is one of the greatest acts of love that you can carry out. I don't believe that, as someone that's been married and got divorced and observed that in my life through being a child of divorce and Knowing how the people that get divorced, love is much deeper than Standing at the top of some sort of aisle, saying I do, and putting a ring on, because love comes down to Having daily interactions that show that love, and they come in the smallest forms. The piece of paper and the ring mean nothing Without those things that go there. And so when I think about belief systems in that way, i'm like well, i don't believe in marriage. For that reason, would I ever get married again? Maybe, who knows? but it's more to do with What I believe in terms of what marriage means, as opposed to feeling like that is the top dollar. That's what you should do. You have to get married to validate your relation. I don't believe that at all. So if you mean exiting or rejecting relationships in that way, then That's a kind of example that I would talk about.

Speaker 1: 18:50

I think there are other cases where people are rejecting relationships, but I don't know what you mean entirely, so I'd need more detail. It could be that you mean that people aren't committing to one another anymore And it's all very casual. And is it because it's not a committed relationship or an exclusive relationship, maybe? so we've got a lot more fluidity, what is it quite? and Those things are being questioned and people are forming different belief systems. Polyamory is getting a lot of attention. I did an episode previously and said about why you could consider that and it's not for everyone, but it's a potential belief system that works for some people. If you're all in agreement with that, there's nothing wrong with that and You forming your own beliefs, having your set of values. What you believe in and what matters most to you is Then how you are able to build confidence, because you're going down the route that the things that you care about are what you're going to go with, and you'll be open to Hear other people's opinions and you might change your beliefs at certain points. That's okay, but The ones that are holding you back are definitely worth questioning now. Before.

Speaker 1: 19:53

I Did this live and we've had some questions come in live, as it's happened, but we also had an opportunity for people to ask questions on Instagram and that question I had prompted people was like what stops you getting confident or what gets in the way of you getting confident, and someone had written back about How do you stay positive in the bad times, like when everything's at its worst. How do you deal with that? I actually felt I wasn't the best person to ask about this, because I'm very aware that I am an Optimist. What that means is, by default, i Conceive quite easily the positive things. It's not toxic positivity, i realize, but often that there's a bad situation going on, but I don't magnify that situation, i just kind of take it as it is and I go, oh, this is a bit rubbish, but oh well, hey, move on.

Speaker 1: 20:39

And So I actually called upon somebody else to help me answer this question because I felt I wanted more perspective and I Felt I couldn't do it as much of a justice if I went down it from my perspective, which is as an optimist. So I called upon somebody that I know has more of a pessimistic tendency And that's important because you can't get yourself out of that rut so much. And that was my boyfriend, and I texted him earlier today and I said this person's asked this question, let me know what you think, because I think I want your perspective, because your default is not to think positively, it's to go towards the negative. And it was interesting actually, the responses he gave were Then I'll give you the kind of four tips for, yes, four tips that came up with. So the first one was that The situation, whatever you're in, is only temporary and that it's important to remember that this is not forever and that It will move on.

Speaker 1: 21:29

Alongside that, there's the element of letting go and accepting that this is happening. Most often, we find that it's really difficult because we can't control it, can't do stuff about it and we're frustrated. So being able to work on your ability to let go whilst, i would add, in make sure you express your feelings and acknowledge that whatever Experience you're having is challenging and it's okay to be upset, angry, ratty, frustrated all justified when it's not going well for you. But the Sooner or the more effectively you can let go, the better. He also came up with kind of going down the positive mindsets. I have a slightly different one which I'll share in a set, but he used the classic phrase if one door closes, the other one opens and I would say there's light at the end of the tunnel. They're often the things that I would chime on about now. It's interesting because it, when you think about the one door closing, the other one opens, it's it.

Speaker 1: 22:21

He kind of referenced the idea of the opportunities that arise as a result of that and If we take both my son I and his scenario, we had long-term relationships, relationships that we thought we were going to be in for a very long time, even though we'd already been in for a long time. If those hadn't ended, then we wouldn't have met. So you have this idea of like, oh yeah, that was now for those relationships to end. That was hard work. But also on my situation, i've got this space out of it. I've changed my job. I've changed my entire life since my divorce four years ago now, when I separated, and in the same light we've then got this idea that we met and Got that opportunity. So so far we've got someone's putting them in the comments, but we've got.

Speaker 1: 22:59

One was temporary. Two was being able to let go and accept. And three is using those kind of positive Comments. You could call it mantras if you want, but just I kind of like them as visualizations. Well, the light at the end of the tunnel. One really keeps me motivated in that sense.

Speaker 1: 23:12

Now, these fourth one was that you should connect with other people. It helps, when you're blaming yourself or feeling guilty, to actually express it to somebody else and to get that reassurance from them that This is your life, that it's going to be okay, that it's not as much of your fault as you thought it was and that you're just doing the best that you can and And that you know it's hard. You have to do difficult things to get yourselves out of situations. So They were the things that he came up with, and it wasn't necessarily the things that he came up with that I thought was the most intriguing. I actually thought, oh yeah, the kind of things that I do, but more automatically, it was actually the way he wrote it that made it intriguing, which was he was talking very Specific. He went on I specifically remember doing this when these kind of things were happening And I specifically did this and it made me go Oh, this is really interesting that this has stood out to him as something that he's Specifically done and probably had to do, or to me they're automatic and so I don't think about it. So I think if you're going through those difficult things, as well as those things being good practical tools, i think also it's worth acknowledging that if you are more pessimistically attuned, you have to actively go out of your way To employ those different techniques and bring yourself back up, whereas an optimist is going to naturally do some of those and just Reel that off.

Speaker 1: 24:32

This is only temporary. For example, i lost my driving license I believe have because I can't find it now. I think I lost it at Greenfields over the weekend. It should have just been in my bum bag on. It was a surprise when I lost it because it's not like I've been drinking, it's not like I'd had it open and there was any opportunity. I'm literally must have slipped out at a certain point and my instinct was oh well, i can order a new one for 20 pounds. And It was. There was no skipper beat.

Speaker 1: 24:58

Other people might have got frustrated and been annoyed and don't get me wrong, i checked lost property, dropped them an email, but it's not about Being put back by that. My instinct is to just go boom, let's move on. What am I gonna do about it? It's crack on. I'm not gonna let that ruin my day, and I know that, or understand at least that Those that have a more pessimistic view might get annoyed with themselves or might think oh, why is this got happened to me? How annoying is this?

Speaker 1: 25:20

This is, this is extra effort to have to sort this out and so instead it's going well. Hang on, i can sort this out, and you have to actively interrupt the negative and the pessimism to get yourself back on track, and that's obviously a small kind of minor one, but if you can't do it with that, then how can you do it with anything else? Thank you so much for joining and listening in, for this 100th episode of the single girls guy to life and getting confident has been a bit longer than I anticipated, but I hope you enjoy it either way. Hopefully we're gonna see even more episodes. To go, make sure that you're following on Instagram and inside our single girls club community Facebook group where you can ask questions like this anytime. Get little insights from me and bits and pieces. Until next time, everybody, keep celebrating single life together.