#89 - The 5 Compatibility Checks To Do In Dating To Ensure Long-Lasting Relationships

In this episode of The Single Girl's Gudide to Life, I'll be discussing the 5 compatibility checks that are crucial for building and sustaining a long-lasting relationship that you can look out for in dating.

Join me as I delve into the key factors that make a relationship work, from shared values to communication styles, and provide tips for the elements you need to consider early on.

With this episode, I hope to equip you with the knowledge and confidence you need to navigate the dating world successfully and find a compatible partner for a fulfilling and lasting relationship. Tune in now and discover how to ace the 5 compatibility checks in dating!

*Correction - Chantelle stated the first stage in Matthew Hussey's beliefs of stages was Attraction. This is corrected to Admiration.

References:
- Matthew Hussey,  The Four Stages of a Relationship
- Esther Perel, Love Stories vs. Life Stories
- Sternberg's Triangular Theory Link
- What is Love Episode #5 (Explaining Sternberg's Triangular Theory)
- Values training
- Love Languages

1. VALUES
2. COMMUNICATION STYLE
3. SEXUAL COMPATABILTY
4. LIFESTYLE
5. RELATIONSHIP INTENT

Transcript

It isn't just about attraction, and it then becomes very important how you communicate during conflict, of which attachment styles can play a massive role, particularly if you have two insecure attachment styles together. With life constantly changing, it's a much more realistic approach to understand that you might not be with this person forever.

Hello and welcome to another episode of "The Single Girl's Guide to Life," your weekly guide to single life, living, and dating in your 20s, 30s, and 40s. I'm Chantelle Dyson, a love and life coach helping single women to bring love into their life in all forms, from self-love to the love of our friends, and also romantic love too. As well as making sure that you are happy with your single life as you go along.

Now, on today's episode, we're going to be delving into the idea of working out if somebody is compatible for you. Compatibility is the idea that you naturally align with another person, that it fits together in a particular way, a little bit like a jigsaw puzzle piece is coming to mind as I describe that. It's not about having to change yourself to fit in, but you have these natural factors that predominantly work together, and this is one of the stages that we overlook so much in dating.

It's actually very easy to find people that we feel attracted to. It's very easy to feel that we have a connection with people, and it comes back to Matthew Huss's example of the kind of four stages that you go through, which are attraction, connection, and commitment. We're often quite happy with that bit, but he talks about the full stage of compatibility being so very difficult sometimes.

And actually, it's a little bit disheartening at that point to realize that the person that you're attracted to, thought you had a connection with, and that you said you wanted to date exclusively, or even started to call boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, that then the compatibility doesn't work, and you have to have committed, you have to have those foundational pieces to even start really considering compatibility for the longer term.

Throughout dating, you are assessing if there is some level of compatibility. Initially, it's on an attraction basis. It's often the sexual chemistry of how your energies fit together in that particular way, and you have an understanding of speaking to one another. You're establishing how often you talk, what time you spend together, how you spend that time together, and you feel like you can talk about particular topics in a way that maybe you don't with other people or with a few people, and that's where the connection bit starts. You feel understood by that person, and that is ultimately what leads to the level of commitment that you decide upon.

It's natural to feel disappointment when it comes to dating because finding someone compatible is tough work. In a previous episode, I explored the idea in basic terms, mathematically speaking. Even then, I'm not convinced the math behind it would be that great. But on a basic principle, roughly half the population might be compatible with you in terms of sex/gender, then you have to consider age group, location, and other factors. This narrows down the pool significantly, and according to research from the University of Bath, only about 84,500 people are suitable for any one person on average, out of the 47 million adult population in the UK.

We're also only attracted to about 18% of people on average, but this varies from person to person. In more urban areas, your chances of finding someone compatible are higher, while in rural areas, they're lower. The chance of finding love based on absolute fate on any given day is 1 in 562, which doesn't feel like a lot.

It's understandable to feel disappointed when you find someone who you think might be one of the 84,500 people suitable for you, only to discover that compatibility is a hurdle you can't overcome. But compatibility is crucial because it's not just about attraction. For many people, attraction is essential, but other elements of a relationship are also important. There's a difference between a love story and a life story, as Esther Perel puts it. Not everyone you create a life with will be someone you love in a particular way.

According to Sternberg's triangular theory of love, we're all after consummate love in the middle, which is challenging to achieve. Many marriages, particularly those involving children and families, fall into companionate love because the passion fades over time. Dealing with the daily grind together, getting up, getting the kids ready, going to work, coming home, and looking after the kids can be mundane, but it's something you have to do with someone. Giddy love isn't going to sustain you through that. For many people, this is hard work, and the person you choose to do it with will be very different from the person you feel giddy love for at the start.

If you're looking for true compatibility, you may still want to create a future that doesn't involve family life. That's okay too. But the person you're choosing to do that with will be very different from the person you're giddy in love with. There are some compatibility ideas that I've noticed through my own experiences and through the experiences of others that really matter when moving forward. Today, I want to share five of those compatibility checks that you should be naturally doing through your conversations. You don't have to sit there and do a tick list of these

Knowing your values is vital for understanding the decisions you make in your life, why you make them, and what you prioritize. It also helps you to understand other people. For example, my values do not include the word "family" per se, but they do feature connection. Maybe someone would group those together and consider them synonymous, but to me, it's not predominantly about family. The way I perceive it, it's about belonging, connection, and group likeness, based on connection to other people.

Other people tremendously value family and may go around every week to have a Sunday roast. That's not, for example, in my routine now. That's not incompatible, but you might find that it causes some friction over time. Where I don't value family, I might feel frustrated at times that the family gets so much attention and time. Maybe that's a challenge we'll face if we find time difficult at some point in the early stages of dating.

On the other hand, someone else might not understand why I don't want to come to every family occasion every week. They've got to understand that family is not the most important thing to me. Coming along every other week, for instance, is as far as I'm willing to go, and that's what I'm happy to compromise on. But there's a reason why I won't come along every week, and maybe to the other person, coming to the family meal every week is really important.

Whatever your values happen to be, it's important to understand what they are so that you can communicate them. You don't have to sit there and list them, though I have done that, and I think it's quite useful too. Just see what people say on instinct or if they go through the tasks that I do with people on it and have worked through that kind of process. Knowing what's important to you means that you can sell them a little bit.

My values include connection, growth, creativity, and autonomy. They're important to me, and they're very easy to understand in the things that I do. They literally inform what my life looks like. The creativity comes from what's behind me and the things I like to do in my life. It also covers the word "fun," so we're never just going to do things simply. There are going to be surprises, there are going to be adventures. Growth definitely shows how much I read and why I'm not interested in television, etc. It informs a set of states that I'm in, and you can hierarchy them, although they're pretty much in contest with each other all the time.

That doesn't mean that I don't value some family time. It's just not as important to me as those other things. Understanding your values means that you can communicate that through your conversations and you're listening to other people as to what they're saying. You're evaluating what their values are, whether they say them explicitly or not, and if there's some overlap, if there's some that complement or if there's some that are going to be incompatible and how incompatible they are.

For example, someone being into health and fitness is probably not going to be a problem for me because I dabble in it. I care about it, but it's not a priority for me. However, someone might treat it so much that they would expect their partner to encourage them or even come to the gym with them. And if that's not even on your radar at all, you're not even someone who casually does it. That's okay, and it's important to reach a point where you like that person, you thought you were getting along, and you were going to.

Knowing your values is essential to understanding the decisions you make and why you prioritize certain things over others. This also helps you understand other people better. For instance, my values include connection, growth, creativity, and autonomy. While some people might group family under connection, for me, it's more about belonging, connection, and group likeness based on connecting with other people.

While others might value family and spend time with them every week, I don't. This might cause friction when it comes to prioritizing time, especially when dating. For example, someone who values family might feel frustrated that I don't value family as much as they do, and I might not understand why they go to a family meal every week. However, if we understand each other's values, we can communicate better and find a compromise that works for both of us.

It's not necessary to list all your values, but it can be helpful to understand them. In my case, my values inform how I live my life. For instance, creativity comes from the things I like to do, and growth shows how much I read and why I'm not interested in television. While my values are constantly in contest with each other, they inform the states I'm in.

Understanding your values helps you communicate better and listen to others. You can evaluate whether your values complement or are compatible with others' values. For example, someone who values health and fitness might want a partner who is also interested in it. If it's not even on your radar, it could be incompatible, and that's okay.

Ultimately, it depends on how willing people are to compromise on their values for a relationship. If connection is important to me, then it will have a place in my relationship. If someone else shares that value, then it might work. However, if they don't prioritize that, then we might not be compatible, and that's okay too.

When it comes to building a relationship, there are several important factors to consider. Firstly, it's important to establish the values that the relationship will be built on. Additionally, it's crucial to understand how to communicate your feelings effectively. Is your partner open and receptive when you express your emotions, or do they tend to shut down? This can be particularly important during conflicts, especially if both partners have insecure attachment styles. Understanding how each partner handles pressure and conflict is key to maintaining a healthy relationship.

Conflict is a normal part of any relationship, and it's important to observe how each partner handles disagreements. Does one partner tend to fight while the other tends to flee? Can they see through to the other person's perspective and connect in a meaningful way? Even if criticism is expressed in an ineffective way, it's important for partners to remain respectful towards each other.

Another crucial factor to consider is sexual compatibility. There is a wide spectrum of sexuality, ranging from asexual to allosexual. Asexual individuals do not experience sexual attraction, but they may still engage in sexual activity if they choose to. However, if one partner desires sexual activity while the other does not, this can lead to compatibility issues. On the other hand, demisexual individuals only experience sexual attraction after forming an emotional bond with someone.

Overall, understanding each partner's values, communication style, conflict resolution strategies, and sexual compatibility is essential for building a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

Zac Efron is a beautiful specimen. What a fine man! There is no way that I'd want to engage with him in any way until I knew him as a person, and so to me, there's that block. Whereas other people would quite happily be like, "That's my whole past. They have that celebrity that they would allow. That's a celebrity that I would be allowed to sleep with." I don't connect with that in that way. So, you've got this spectrum of ideas there. Do your sexual compatibilities work? And that's just on sexuality, in the way you identify, even if you didn't realize they were options. But then you've also got the activities in the bedroom, all those different elements that come up. What do you want to try? Are you experimental or are you more vanilla? Are you more reserved? Are you interested in there being other people around or not? Whatever it might be, that's going to be a big compatibility. I think that one's more obvious. I don't think the spectrum is always considered as much, but the words are becoming more and more frequent within dating, and you might have seen them as options on dating apps and be like, "What is that?"

Sex is generally an obvious part of a relationship, but it's worth knowing that that's not the case for everybody or sexual attraction per se. And it might mean that sex isn't really of a priority or even anything to do with it. But then, also understanding that there has to be that compatibility there. The comfort, the style, when, how often. Don't forget how often someone would want to be engaged in sexual activity is so important to understand as well. So, it's really complex, and we're only on the three parts here of compatibility. You've done all the other work before that. No wonder the numbers are so small at certain times. And I don't know if the researchers even thought about some of these ones. They did do 18 categories, but did they do some of that? I don't know. Let's move on to the fourth category of compatibility.

This is the more traditional route of compatibility. This is lifestyle. We are looking at work patterns. We're looking at hobbies. We're looking at the idea of what they want to fill their time within their life. And I'll come into a few little caveat ones I think are really important. This is all to do with how you spend your time and how much time that leaves for romantic connection. How much it means that you can do together and how much it means that you can maintain independence within that. It's important here to understand that compatibility does not mean similarity or the same. They just have